Tag: healing

What “I Have Nothing to Talk About” Can Actually Mean

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotherapy

There are certain phrases psychotherapists hear that immediately get our attention.

One of them is:

“I have nothing to talk about.”

Now, if I’m being honest, most therapists don’t hear that statement and simply take it at face value.

We get curious.

Is there something they are avoiding?

Is there something they’re glossing over?

Is this an opportunity to dive deeper into something?

What uncomfortable feeling are we dancing around?

After all, avoidance is one of the most common patterns people bring into therapy.

Not because they’re dishonest.

Not because they’re resistant.

Because they’re human.

Why We Avoid

Avoidance gets a bad reputation, but it exists for a reason.

If something feels painful, uncomfortable, embarrassing, uncertain, or overwhelming, our minds naturally try to move away from it.

We change the subject.

We distract ourselves.

We stay busy.

We tell ourselves we’ll deal with it later.

We convince ourselves it isn’t a big deal.

For a brief moment, avoidance works.

That’s why people do it.

The difficult conversation gets postponed.

The anxiety temporarily decreases.

The uncomfortable emotion fades into the background.

The problem is that while avoidance often provides short-term relief, it tends to create long-term suffering.

The conversation still needs to happen.

The decision still needs to be made.

The grief still needs to be felt.

The fear still waits for us.

One of the primary goals of therapy is helping people gradually build the ability to approach the things that they would rather avoid.

Not because it’s pleasant.

Because it’s often necessary for change.

The Therapist’s Suspicion

This is why therapists become suspicious when someone says they have nothing to talk about.

We’ve heard it before.

Sometimes “nothing to talk about” means:

“I don’t want to discuss the fight I had with my spouse.”

Sometimes it means:

“I don’t want to admit how anxious I’ve been.”

Sometimes it means:

“I know exactly what I need to talk about, and I’m hoping we can spend the session discussing the weather instead.”

Years of experience teach us that there is often something sitting beneath the surface.

Which is exactly why a recent session stuck with me.

Sometimes There Really Is Nothing To Talk About

About fifteen minutes into a session, a client told me they didn’t really have anything to discuss.

My therapist brain immediately started searching.

Work?

Family?

Goals?

Stressors?

Future plans?

I explored a few areas.

And what I found surprised me.

There wasn’t a hidden crisis.

There wasn’t a conflict being avoided.

There wasn’t some painful topic hiding behind the curtain.

Things were simply okay.

Not perfect.

Just okay.

And that’s different.

There was still some anticipatory anxiety about the future. There always is. Life doesn’t stop being uncertain simply because things are going well.

But in this particular moment, this person had achieved many of the goals they had worked toward.

They had made significant changes in their career.

They felt more secure in themselves.

They were handling challenges effectively.

They had done the work.

Peace Can Feel Unfamiliar

What struck me was how unusual this moment felt.

Not because peace is rare.

Because we often don’t know what to do with it.

Many people become so accustomed to solving problems that they struggle to recognize when there isn’t one.

We become scanners.

Always looking for the next issue.

The next challenge.

The next thing to fix.

The next source of stress.

Sometimes this mindset is useful.

Sometimes it helps us grow.

But sometimes it prevents us from appreciating where we currently stand.

It’s difficult to enjoy a view when you’re constantly looking for the next mountain to climb.

Celebrating Progress

So instead of searching harder for a hidden problem, we spent time acknowledging something important:

How they got to this moment of quiet peace.

We talked about the work they had done.

The changes they had made.

The growth they had achieved.

The discomfort they had tolerated.

The risks they had taken.

The person they had become.

Therapy often focuses on what’s wrong.

Naturally so. People usually come to therapy because something isn’t working.

But growth deserves attention too.

Progress deserves attention too.

The absence of suffering isn’t always avoidance.

Sometimes it’s evidence.

Evidence that the hard work is paying off.

A Final Thought

Not every therapy session is challenging because life is difficult.

Sometimes the challenge is learning to be at peace when life isn’t difficult.

Sometimes the work is allowing yourself to stop searching for a problem and simply acknowledge:

“I’m okay right now.”

That may not sound like much.

But for someone who spent years anxious, overwhelmed, self-critical, or stuck in survival mode, that moment can be one of the greatest achievements of all.

Therapy FAQs: Why Am I Not Seeing Progress?

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in cognitive behavioral therapy, personal-growth, psychotherapy, REFLECTION

One of the most common frustrations I hear in therapy is some version of:

“I’m doing the work… but I don’t feel like I’m making progress.”

That feeling can be discouraging. People accustomed to measuring growth may question therapy’s effectiveness. Those concerned with improvement or productivity might also doubt if therapy is working.

Not seeing growth in therapy doesn’t mean nothing is happening. More often, it means progress is showing up in ways that are slower. It can be subtler and also harder to measure than we expect.

Here are a few reasons why therapy can feel stagnant even when meaningful change is happening.

1. Change Is Slow

We live in a world of immediate gratification. When something doesn’t produce quick results, it’s easy to assume it isn’t effective.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy isn’t fast-acting in the way people often hope for. But it is long-lasting. Real change tends to happen gradually, through repetition, practice, and consistency—not sudden insight alone.

That slowness can be frustrating, especially if you’re used to seeing effort quickly turn into outcomes.

2. Change Is Subtle

We love watching our kids grow up, but we don’t notice their growth day by day.

The same is true for our own personal growth.

Subtle progress is hard to see—even when it’s happening. When change occurs in small increments, it often only becomes visible in hindsight. That makes it easy to overlook and dismiss in the moment.

3. You’re Not Used to Looking for Progress

Many people I work with are high-demand, operating-at-maximum-efficiency types.

Your brain is used to looking for the deficit, not the progress.

By “deficit,” I mean the area short of perfection—the place where you could still improve. When your mind is trained this way, it becomes very good at spotting problems and very bad at taking inventory of wins.

We get so used to asking “What still needs work?” that we rarely pause to notice what has changed.

CBT sessions help slow this process down and intentionally identify progress—even when that progress is simply prioritizing mental health by showing up consistently to sessions.

That still counts.

4. Progress Is Not Linear

If we start plotting points of happiness or progress, it becomes clear pretty quickly that growth isn’t a straight line.

You’re not always going to feel good.

You’re not always going to be successful.

Sometimes you stub your toe.

Sometimes you get sick.

Sometimes you react to a trigger in a way you wish you hadn’t.

Those moments are just that—moments. Not the journey.

Temporary setbacks don’t erase progress. They’re part of it.

5. You’re Trying… But Are You Really Trying?

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

Effort can be difficult to define, especially in therapy.

It’s easy to feel like you’re trying just by talking about things in session. But are you doing the work outside of therapy?

That might look like:

Journaling Taking breaks Practicing boundaries Prioritizing the right kind of self-care

Insight matters—but insight alone rarely creates change. Behavior and practice are where progress tends to take root.

6. Effort Doesn’t Equal Outcome

This part is important—and often overlooked.

Sometimes we are doing the work.

We can do the right things, and it still doesn’t mean we’ll get the desired results—at least not yet.

That doesn’t mean the effort is wasted.

Keep up the effort.

Keep noticing the effort.

Give yourself some damn credit.

And trust the process.

Final Thoughts

Therapy isn’t about constant improvement or feeling better all the time. It’s about learning how to relate differently to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors over time.

If therapy feels slow or frustrating, that doesn’t mean it isn’t working. It may mean the changes you’re making are quieter, deeper, and still unfolding.

Those changes tend to last.

You Are Not Your Worst Behavior

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Language matters. I say it all the time: Our word choice affects how we think. How we think affects how we feel and how we feel affects how we behave. Therefore, changing our language can change how we think, feel, and behave. One of the most important distinctions in self talk linguistics is the difference between being and behaving.

Unconditional acceptance is understanding people are not defined by their behavior. People may behave a certain way but it doesn’t mean they are a certain way. We all too often overuse the verb being when we mean behaving. The issue is that saying (and thinking) people are a certain way leads to labeling. It suggests rigidity and establishes absolutes within our thinking,

Behavior vs. Identity

So often we collapse someone’s entire identity into one word:

She’s rude.
He’s stupid.
I’m lazy.

The problem is, once we label someone (including ourselves), we stop leaving room for growth. But when we describe behavior instead, it opens up possibility:

She’s behaving in a way that feels inconsiderate.
He’s behaving immaturely.
I’m behaving in a way that isn’t aligned with my values.

Behavior can change. Identity is bigger than that.

You Are Not Your Worst Moment

This shift matters most when we turn it inward. Many of us define ourselves by our worst mistake, our lowest moment, or even our deepest trauma.

I failed, so I’m a failure.
I yelled, so I’m a terrible person.
This trauma defines me—I’ll never move past it.

But here’s the truth: you are not the worst thing you’ve done, and you are not your trauma.

Our mistakes and traumas are part of our story — but they don’t have to be the headline. Sometimes, the hardest chapters become the very soil where resilience, compassion, and strength grow.

The Hidden Gift

Sometimes the hardest parts of life become the very experiences that shape us most. Pain doesn’t become a blessing because it was “good” or “okay.” It becomes a blessing because we discover meaning, strength, or compassion in the aftermath.

Even our worst behavior can serve as a turning point—an invitation to reflect, repair, and grow.

✨ A Gentle Invitation

This week, notice when you catch yourself saying “I am…” or “I’m being” in a negative way. Try shifting it to:

  • I’m struggling with…
  • I’m working on…
  • I’m learning to…

See how it feels to hold your challenges as temporary struggles, not permanent identities. My hope is that these small shifts in language give you space to breathe, reflect, and choose growth over judgment.

✨ Want more reflections like this? Subscribe to my blog for biweekly insights on growth, healing, and mental health.

Until next time,

David Zerella, LCSW