Nowadays, we are seeing a ton of pop psychology and self-help advice that encourages us to prioritize ourselves by:
~Setting boundaries.
~Asserting our needs.
~Emphasizing self-care.
~Giving yourself grace.
Most of this is reasonable advice. However, for most of us, the problem isn’t a lack of information. We already know we should be setting boundaries. We know our needs matter. We know constantly sacrificing ourselves for everyone around us probably isn’t sustainable.
Knowing what to do is often the easy part.
Actually doing it can feel terrible.
When Healthy Choices Create Uncomfortable Emotions
We might assume that doing the “right” thing should feel naturally rewarding or empowering. It may not
Although setting a boundary is healthy, it’s also unfamiliar and can lead to conflict.
Although advocating for myself is appropriate, it can also be awkward and inconvenient.
Although prioritizing my own well-being is necessary, it can feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes doing the right thing for ourselves can be naturally rewarding in the moment. Yet most times doing the right thing comes with feelings of guilt, selfishness, shame, sadness, anxiety, hurt, or even pity for ourselves or the persons affected by our decision.
We might know intellectually that a boundary is reasonable while emotionally feeling like we have done something wrong.
“I know I need to assert my needs, but it’s going to create conflict.”
“I know I need to set this boundary, but what if they think I’m selfish?”
“What if I choose myself and something bad happens to them?”
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
“What if I advocate for myself and they feel hurt?”
These emotions can become powerful enough that we start using them as evidence.
I feel guilty, so maybe I did something wrong.
I feel selfish, so maybe I’m being selfish.
They’re upset, so maybe my boundary was unfair.
But emotions don’t always work that way.
Feeling Guilty Is Not the Same as Being Guilty
Our emotions are real, but that doesn’t mean every conclusion we draw from them is accurate.
You can feel guilty without being guilty.
You can feel selfish without being selfish.
You can feel anxious about conflict without the conflict being dangerous.
You can feel sad that someone is disappointed in you without being responsible for eliminating their disappointment.
That distinction matters.
Many of our emotional responses have been reinforced through years of experience. If you are accustomed to avoiding conflict, prioritizing other people, or receiving approval for being accommodating, suddenly behaving differently might feel wrong even when you consciously believe it is appropriate.
The discomfort isn’t necessarily proof that you made the wrong choice.
It may simply be the emotional experience of doing something different.
Sometimes We Have to Feel Bad
I would love to offer a strategy for setting boundaries, prioritizing yourself, and asserting your needs without experiencing any guilt, anxiety, sadness, or discomfort.
Sometimes we can reduce those emotions. We can challenge irrational beliefs, communicate more effectively, develop greater self-awareness, and make thoughtful decisions about when and how we advocate for ourselves.
But sometimes the uncomfortable emotion is still going to be there.
And sometimes the work is learning that we can tolerate it.
This doesn’t mean ignoring our emotions. It doesn’t mean deciding that we are always right or that other people’s feelings never matter. Emotional discomfort can provide valuable information, and our choices still deserve reflection.
But feeling bad does not automatically mean we behaved badly.
Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to experience guilt without immediately trying to make the guilt disappear.
Sometimes we have to tolerate someone being disappointed in us.
Sometimes we have to accept being misunderstood.
Sometimes we have to experience the anxiety of conflict rather than continually avoiding it.
And through those experiences, we can gradually learn that these emotions are uncomfortable without necessarily being intolerable.
The Goal Isn’t to Never Feel Bad
There is an important difference between trying to eliminate uncomfortable emotions and becoming more capable of experiencing them.
If we require ourselves to feel completely comfortable before setting a boundary, we may never set one.
If we need reassurance that nobody will think we are selfish before prioritizing ourselves, we may continue putting ourselves last.
If we need to know that asserting ourselves won’t create conflict, we may continue staying quiet.
Confidence rarely comes before the behavioral change. It develops because we acted despite the discomfort and discovered that we could handle what follows.
The more capable we become of experiencing these emotions without immediately abandoning our needs because of them, the more freedom we have to make decisions based on our values rather than solely on what feels most comfortable in the moment.
We can set boundaries.
We can advocate for our needs.
We can assert ourselves more confidently.
And we can give ourselves grace when doing those things is harder than we think it “should” be.
Doing the right thing for yourself doesn’t always feel good.
Sometimes the emotional discomfort isn’t evidence that you’re doing something wrong.
It might even be evidence that you’re finally doing something different—and doing the right thing for yourself.
Rational Psychotherapy 