The real B.S. I used to tell myself—and believed for longer than I care to admit.
As a cognitive behavioral psychotherapist, I spend a lot of time helping people identify irrational beliefs.
Very often the stories we tell ourselves and the assumptions we make are flawed or self limiting. We reach conclusions and fill in gaps without much evidence.
We subjectively create rules for ourselves that, at some point, we stop questioning.
Unfortunately for me, being a psychotherapist does not make me immune to any of this.
I have my own irrational beliefs. Some which I’ve stubbornly held onto for years. And the tricky thing about an irrational belief is that when you believe it, it usually doesn’t sound irrational.
It sounds completely reasonable to us at the time.
So in an effort at transparency and vulnerability, here are three of mine.
Irrational Belief #1: “I’m a psychotherapist. I shouldn’t be in great physical shape.”
For a long time, I had this strange belief about being physically fit. I told myself I didn’t need to be in great shape because I was a psychotherapist. Part of that was probably just a convenient excuse to do bare minimums.
But there was something else underneath it.
I thought being too physically fit might actually make me less relatable. Maybe people would look at me and wonder what I was trying to prove. Maybe they’d think I was hiding something.
Maybe a client struggling with their own health, motivation, confidence, or body image would look at me and think:
He doesn’t get it.
So somehow I turned not taking care of myself into something that felt almost professionally responsible.
That was my own B.S.
The reframe was much simpler:
I can care about my physical health and appearance because I care about me.
It doesn’t have to have anything to do with other people:
A) I can exercise because I like feeling strong.
B.). I can care about how I look because it makes me feel more confident.
C.) By challenging myself physically it reminds me I can do difficult things.
And none of those things make me less capable of understanding someone else’s struggle. If anything, what actually happens is the exact opposite of what I feared. I’m more confident and speak with more conviction in my approach. Theres more heart. I genuinely feel better.
My behavior is more congruent with a lot of the things I encourage in therapy.
And I think my clients benefit from that.
Irrational Belief #2: “If my clients find out I’m divorced, they’ll see it as negative.”
For years, I was extremely cautious about self-disclosure.
I’m a therapist. The session isn’t about me. I need to have strong boundaries. And these are good reasons to have boundaries around what and how much we share with clients. But somewhere along the way, healthy boundaries turned into boxed in walls. Based on fear or my own anxiety.
I worried that if clients knew too much about me, eventually something could be used against me.
Divorce was a big one.
He got divorced.
His marriage failed.
What does he know about successful relationships?
So I kept parts of myself hidden for far too long. Not necessarily because keeping them private made me a better therapist, but because keeping them private made me feel safer.
Eventually, I had to dispute that self serving by self limiting comfort zone.
I can have appropriate boundaries without being afraid of being known.
I can be proud of choosing divorce even if someone else sees it as failure.
I survived something difficult.
I made a decision that was healthier for me and gave me more opportunity to be the father I wanted to be.
And none of that disqualifies me from helping someone else navigate their relationships.
What actually happened?
I became more comfortable acknowledging my failures.
I became more intentional with self-disclosure instead of simply being afraid of it. (Also, no one used my divorce against me. It actually is more of a gateway into understanding people)
More importantly, I stopped believing that being a good therapist required presenting some carefully protected version of myself.
I can have boundaries.
I can keep parts of my life private.
But I don’t have to hide myself out of fear.
Irrational Belief #3: “Posting on social media to get clients is for therapists who need clients.”
This one is probably the most humbling to admit because I didn’t just avoid social media.
I judged other therapists for doing it.
I thought it was cringey.
There was this part of me that believed:
Just be good at your craft.
If you’re a good therapist, people will find you.
You shouldn’t have to shamelessly promote yourself.
And if you’re constantly posting online trying to get clients, maybe that says something about your ability as a therapist.
Then eventually I had to confront something uncomfortable.
I wasn’t avoiding social media because I had some deeply held professional principle.
I was boxing myself in because I cared too much about other people’s opinions.
What if another therapist thinks I’m cringey?
What if someone thinks I’m desperate for clients?
What if people I know see one of my videos and make fun of me?
I was allowing hypothetical opinions from hypothetical people to dictate what I was willing to try.
That isn’t freedom. It’s confinement.
The reframe became:
I don’t need to do this to still do it and enjoy it.
In fact, maybe it’s better to start doing something before you need it.
And what actually happened?
It’s fun.
I enjoy writing.
I enjoy making videos.
I enjoy trying to communicate psychological ideas in ways that people might actually want to read or watch.
I’ve realized that actively creating on social media feels a lot better to me than lurking as a passive recipient of overstimulation.
I’ve connected with people I otherwise wouldn’t have.
I’ve created more.
I’ve written more.
And yeah, I may have even gained a client or two.
They Were All the Same Irrational Belief
At first glance, these are three completely different beliefs.
One is about physical fitness.
One is about divorce.
One is about social media.
But when I started looking at them together, I realized they were really just different versions of the same irrational belief:
Other people’s hypothetical opinions should influence how I live my actual life.
That one had a lot more control over me than I realized.
And disputing it doesn’t mean I’ve convinced myself that nobody will judge me.
That’s just another irrational belief.
Someone might think I care too much about how I look.
Someone might think a divorced therapist has no business talking about relationships.
Someone might watch one of my videos and think I’m cringey.
Someone might read this entire blog post and think the same thing.
That’s possible.
The healthier belief isn’t:
Nobody will judge me.
It’s:
I can withstand it if and when they do.
I don’t have to organize my life around preventing negatives. I can adapt and overcome them.
Rational Psychotherapy 