Tag: gratitude

My Top 3 Irrational Beliefs

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, burnout, cognitive behavioral therapy, perfectionism, personal-growth, REFLECTION

The real B.S. I used to tell myself—and believed for longer than I care to admit.

As a cognitive behavioral psychotherapist, I spend a lot of time helping people identify irrational beliefs.

Very often the stories we tell ourselves and the assumptions we make are flawed or self limiting. We reach conclusions and fill in gaps without much evidence.

We subjectively create rules for ourselves that, at some point, we stop questioning.

Unfortunately for me, being a psychotherapist does not make me immune to any of this.

I have my own irrational beliefs. Some which I’ve stubbornly held onto for years. And the tricky thing about an irrational belief is that when you believe it, it usually doesn’t sound irrational.

It sounds completely reasonable to us at the time.

So in an effort at transparency and vulnerability, here are three of mine.

Irrational Belief #1: “I’m a psychotherapist. I shouldn’t be in great physical shape.”

For a long time, I had this strange belief about being physically fit. I told myself I didn’t need to be in great shape because I was a psychotherapist. Part of that was probably just a convenient excuse to do bare minimums.

But there was something else underneath it.

I thought being too physically fit might actually make me less relatable. Maybe people would look at me and wonder what I was trying to prove. Maybe they’d think I was hiding something.

Maybe a client struggling with their own health, motivation, confidence, or body image would look at me and think:

He doesn’t get it.

So somehow I turned not taking care of myself into something that felt almost professionally responsible.

That was my own B.S.

The reframe was much simpler:

I can care about my physical health and appearance because I care about me.

It doesn’t have to have anything to do with other people:

A) I can exercise because I like feeling strong.

B.). I can care about how I look because it makes me feel more confident.

C.) By challenging myself physically it reminds me I can do difficult things.

And none of those things make me less capable of understanding someone else’s struggle. If anything, what actually happens is the exact opposite of what I feared. I’m more confident and speak with more conviction in my approach. Theres more heart. I genuinely feel better.

My behavior is more congruent with a lot of the things I encourage in therapy.

And I think my clients benefit from that.

Irrational Belief #2: “If my clients find out I’m divorced, they’ll see it as negative.”

For years, I was extremely cautious about self-disclosure.

I’m a therapist. The session isn’t about me. I need to have strong boundaries. And these are good reasons to have boundaries around what and how much we share with clients. But somewhere along the way, healthy boundaries turned into boxed in walls. Based on fear or my own anxiety.

I worried that if clients knew too much about me, eventually something could be used against me.

Divorce was a big one.

He got divorced.

His marriage failed.

What does he know about successful relationships?

So I kept parts of myself hidden for far too long. Not necessarily because keeping them private made me a better therapist, but because keeping them private made me feel safer.

Eventually, I had to dispute that self serving by self limiting comfort zone.

I can have appropriate boundaries without being afraid of being known.

I can be proud of choosing divorce even if someone else sees it as failure.

I survived something difficult.

I made a decision that was healthier for me and gave me more opportunity to be the father I wanted to be.

And none of that disqualifies me from helping someone else navigate their relationships.

What actually happened?

I became more comfortable acknowledging my failures.

I became more intentional with self-disclosure instead of simply being afraid of it. (Also, no one used my divorce against me. It actually is more of a gateway into understanding people)

More importantly, I stopped believing that being a good therapist required presenting some carefully protected version of myself.

I can have boundaries.

I can keep parts of my life private.

But I don’t have to hide myself out of fear.

Irrational Belief #3: “Posting on social media to get clients is for therapists who need clients.”

This one is probably the most humbling to admit because I didn’t just avoid social media.

I judged other therapists for doing it.

I thought it was cringey.

There was this part of me that believed:

Just be good at your craft.

If you’re a good therapist, people will find you.

You shouldn’t have to shamelessly promote yourself.

And if you’re constantly posting online trying to get clients, maybe that says something about your ability as a therapist.

Then eventually I had to confront something uncomfortable.

I wasn’t avoiding social media because I had some deeply held professional principle.

I was boxing myself in because I cared too much about other people’s opinions.

What if another therapist thinks I’m cringey?

What if someone thinks I’m desperate for clients?

What if people I know see one of my videos and make fun of me?

I was allowing hypothetical opinions from hypothetical people to dictate what I was willing to try.

That isn’t freedom. It’s confinement.

The reframe became:

I don’t need to do this to still do it and enjoy it.

In fact, maybe it’s better to start doing something before you need it.

And what actually happened?

It’s fun.

I enjoy writing.

I enjoy making videos.

I enjoy trying to communicate psychological ideas in ways that people might actually want to read or watch.

I’ve realized that actively creating on social media feels a lot better to me than lurking as a passive recipient of overstimulation.

I’ve connected with people I otherwise wouldn’t have.

I’ve created more.

I’ve written more.

And yeah, I may have even gained a client or two.

They Were All the Same Irrational Belief

At first glance, these are three completely different beliefs.

One is about physical fitness.

One is about divorce.

One is about social media.

But when I started looking at them together, I realized they were really just different versions of the same irrational belief:

Other people’s hypothetical opinions should influence how I live my actual life.

That one had a lot more control over me than I realized.

And disputing it doesn’t mean I’ve convinced myself that nobody will judge me.

That’s just another irrational belief.

Someone might think I care too much about how I look.

Someone might think a divorced therapist has no business talking about relationships.

Someone might watch one of my videos and think I’m cringey.

Someone might read this entire blog post and think the same thing.

That’s possible.

The healthier belief isn’t:

Nobody will judge me.

It’s:

I can withstand it if and when they do.

I don’t have to organize my life around preventing negatives. I can adapt and overcome them.

The Presence of the Positive 

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

I often tell clients to look for the presence of a positive, not merely the absence of a negative.

It’s an important shift. Our minds are wired to scan for what’s missing, unsafe, or imperfect—an evolutionary survival skill that doesn’t always serve us in modern life. Gratitude reframes that instinct. It invites us to focus on what we have instead of what we don’t, on what is rather than what’s lacking.

Progress Isn’t a Destination

We tend to measure our lives by how far we are from some imagined ideal—some future point where everything is optimized, organized, perfected. But progress is an asymptote; it never fully touches perfection. Growth doesn’t happen by crossing a finish line. It happens in small, steady increments that accumulate into something meaningful.

Gratitude helps us notice those increments.

It reminds us that even when the big picture feels unfinished, movement is still happening.

What We Once Wanted, We Now Have (Understanding Hedonistic Adaptation)

This is where something called hedonistic adaptation becomes important.

Hedonistic adaptation is a psychological process in which we quickly get used to positive changes in our lives—no matter how exciting or meaningful they initially felt. Our emotional baseline creeps back to “normal,” and the new good thing becomes… ordinary.

It’s why we crave something intensely, feel a surge of happiness when we get it, and then, after a while, barely notice it.

Two years ago, I really wanted that new car. Now it’s just… my car.

A new phone arrives with enthusiasm—and within months it becomes an extension of daily routine.

Gratitude gives us a counterweight to that drift.

It lets us briefly look back—not to dwell, but to appreciate.

It helps us recognize the dreams we’ve already achieved, the goals we’ve quietly fulfilled, and the ways our lives have improved even if we no longer feel the initial spark.

We don’t have to cling to the past, but we can let it reorient us toward appreciation.

Being Here, Now

At its core, gratitude is an anchor to presence.

It’s a gentle interruption of the mind’s tendency to chase the next thing, the next fix, the next improvement. When we shift attention to what exists in this moment—what is steady, what is working, what is simply here—we create space for a kind of flow state. Not a performative productivity flow, but a grounded, embodied one.

Sometimes gratitude is big and inspirational.

Sometimes it’s small and quiet.

And sometimes it’s simply acknowledging that we’re still standing—that existence itself is a positive when so many things could have knocked us down.

A Simple Invitation

This week, try noticing one presence of a positive each day.

Not what’s missing.

Not what needs fixing.

Just one thing already here that speaks to growth, resilience, or quiet abundance.

Gratitude won’t erase the hard things, but it can re-balance them.

It reminds us that even amidst struggle, there are moments worth recognizing—moments that show how far we’ve already come.

Stop Waiting to Be Happy: Finding Joy in the Now

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Be honest — how often do you tell yourself, “I’ll be happy when…”?

When you get the promotion.

When you meet the right person.

When the kids are older.

When life finally “settles down.”

When you’ve made more money

We’ve all been there. The truth is, many of us want to be happy and even know how to cultivate it — but we keep postponing it. We make happiness conditional, waiting for life to line up perfectly before we give ourselves permission to feel good.

But here’s the problem: there’s always another “next thing.” The next goal, the next milestone, the next version of “better.” That mindset keeps us chasing happiness instead of living it.

The “I’ll Be Happy When…” Trap

This way of thinking sounds like:

“I’ll feel better once I get that promotion.” “I’ll be happy when I find my person.” “I just need to make more money” “I’ll relax once I retire.”

It’s an exhausting cycle — achieving one goal only to move the bar higher again. Each win feels fleeting because the next target is already waiting.

This isn’t real happiness; it’s conditional happiness — and conditional happiness is fragile. When things go well, you feel great. But when life doesn’t cooperate, your mood sinks.

Shifting to Unconditional Happiness

Unconditional happiness doesn’t mean ignoring challenges or pretending everything is perfect. It means deciding to be happy despite imperfections. It’s about giving yourself permission to experience joy and peace in the present moment, even as you work toward your goals.

Try reframing your thoughts:

“I’d like to get that promotion, but I can appreciate where I am right now.” “I’d like to meet someone, but I can be happy with who I am.” “Life isn’t perfect, but I can still choose to be content today.” “I can breathe today and trust myself to continue to be successful “

When you remind yourself, “I can be happy now,” you reclaim your power. You stop outsourcing your joy to the future and start owning it in the present.

Happiness Is a Daily Practice

Happiness isn’t something we stumble upon — it’s something we create, moment by moment. It’s choosing gratitude, curiosity, connection, and self-compassion today, not later.

So, take a breath. Look around. There’s so much good in this moment, even if everything isn’t exactly how you prefer it.

Don’t wait for the next milestone to be happy. Start where you are.

You can be happy now.

From “Have To” to “Get To”: Practicing Gratitude in the Everyday

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Gratitude is elusive. We know it’s available, but in the rush of daily life it can be difficult to recognize in the moment.

There’s value in what we might call grand gratitude—the ability to appreciate life as a whole. But that big-picture perspective can fade when we’re met with the sharp edges of stress, conflict, anxiety, or depression. In those moments, sweeping gratitude for “life itself” doesn’t always feel useful.

I often ask myself: I love my life, but do I love living it? Do I love every minute of it? Of course, it’s unreasonable to expect constant joy. But it raises a deeper question—how can I improve my relationship with gratitude?

One answer lies in reframing. Instead of telling myself I have to do something, I try to remind myself I get to. I get to do the things I don’t want to do. I get to live. I get to struggle. Each unwelcome task is still an opportunity—for growth, for strength, or for building resilience.

This shift feels especially relevant on Labor Day. We celebrate the chance to rest from work, but does that mean we can’t also celebrate the work itself? In America, our relationship with productivity is often demanding, even unhealthy. Work is tied to survival, status, and identity. Yet beyond making money, work can also serve as a source of purpose. What if we allowed ourselves to appreciate both sides—the days of rest and the days of labor?

The same applies to our inner lives. Just as we “get to” work for a paycheck, we also get to work on ourselves. We may not always want to, but the opportunity is there.

This is where mindfulness enters: it’s the practice of seeing opportunities where we might otherwise see burdens. To notice that we get to live, to get to struggle, to get to engage with the fullness of our human experience. Gratitude becomes less of a grand, abstract concept and more of an active, moment-to-moment practice.

The truth is, we don’t always have control over what life gives us. But we do have control over whether we see it as a burden—or as a gift we get to carry.

If you’d like to strengthen this practice, start small this week:

  • Pick one task you usually dread. Before you begin, pause and reframe it from “I have to” into “I get to.”
  • Notice what shifts. Even if the task doesn’t become enjoyable, see if it feels lighter, more purposeful, or more connected to growth.
  • Build from there. Over time, these small reframes can accumulate into a deeper sense of everyday gratitude.

This is the kind of mindful reframing I often explore with clients—finding practical ways to cultivate resilience, reduce stress, and stay connected to purpose. If you’re interested in working on your own practice of gratitude and perspective, I’d love to connect. Together, we can turn the “have to’s” of your life into meaningful “get to’s.”

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Until next time,

David Zerella, LCSW