Author: David Zerella, LCSW

Overcoming Social Isolation: Tips for Meaningful Engagement

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy
A circle of wooden chairs arranged on a stage with theater seats in background

Have you ever felt left out? Other people made plans and somehow you weren’t included. That can feel extremely hurtful and deeply personal.

For many people, exclusion triggers feelings of rejection or abandonment. Those already struggling with isolation or loneliness may feel an even stronger urge to retreat inward. Or worse, the pain can come out sideways through anger, bitterness, passive aggression, or resentment.

Ironically, feeling excluded often changes how we behave socially — and can unintentionally create even more disconnection.

Like many things we talk about, fighting the trigger usually doesn’t help. Acceptance does.

Unfortunately, the child who feels left out will understandably pout or complain that nobody included them. But while the reaction makes sense emotionally, it usually doesn’t create more positive social interaction afterward.

Adults do this too.

The parent who guilts their adult children for not calling enough.
The friend who keeps score of invitations.
The partner who focuses on needing more reassurance.

When we become hyper-focused on rejection, we can unknowingly reinforce the very isolation we’re trying to escape.

It’s not about less rejection. It’s about more connection.

It’s not the absence of the negative (exclusion), but the presence of the positive (inclusion).

Instead of staying stuck on:
“Why was I excluded?”

Shift toward:
“How can I participate more?”
“How can I contribute socially?”
“What role can I offer here?”
“What do I genuinely appreciate about this person or group?”

And participating more doesn’t necessarily mean taking up more space. Sometimes it means providing more space.

Active listening.
Validation.
Encouragement.
Humor or playfulness.
Positive energy.
Curiosity about others.

Four illustrations labeled listening, validation, encouragement, and positive energy showing supportive communication

Taking a healthy active role socially usually isn’t loud. Most of the time it’s subtle.

People naturally gravitate toward those who feel present, engaged, welcoming, and enjoyable to be around. That doesn’t mean becoming fake or performing for approval. It means recognizing that connection grows through participation.

For the person who feels disconnected from family.
The adult with grown children they rarely hear from.
The partner craving more quality time or attention.

Constantly highlighting your hurt or demanding fairness usually doesn’t create closeness. Connection tends to grow through more pleasant, present, emotionally safe interactions.

Just as constantly looking for exclusion can trigger undesirable reactions, looking for evidence that we are wanted and included often creates healthier ones.

The more connected and at ease we feel, the more likely we are to participate positively, engage socially, and create enjoyable experiences with others.

And yes — sometimes this means becoming someone who is a little more fun to be around, even if it initially feels unfamiliar or unnatural.

Not fake.
Not performative.
Just more engaged with life.

You probably don’t actually want the pity invite anyway.
The invite out of obligation.
The forced fairness invite.

That doesn’t satisfy the social craving.

Connection does.

So start connecting.

And if connecting with others feels difficult right now, connect with yourself first.

Forest path with sun rays shining through tall trees and leafy plants

Go for a nature walk.
Exercise.
Play an instrument.
Write something.
Paint.
Take a class.
Develop hobbies.
Create things.
Do shit for the fun of it.

Fun creates energy.
Energy creates engagement.
Engagement creates connection.

Feeling badly for ourselves reinforces isolation. Participation interrupts it.

Be present and be pleasant.

Empathy or Enabling? Know your limits.

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, burnout, cognitive behavioral therapy, PARENTING, personal-growth, psychotherapy, REFLECTION

Remove all text near people

Empathy is essential for human connection. It allows us to understand and support each other. It’s important to validate the emotional experiences of others in order to strengthen are most meaningful relationships. So at its core, empathy is necessary for healthy relationships

But empathy also has a limit. It’s not an endless resource.

It can take a lot out of us. Especially when it goes beyond understanding and into over-involvement, codependency, or enmeshment. Empathy to the Nth degree can begin to work against the very growth it’s meant to support.

A Spectrum of Empathy

Like most nuanced psychological principles – it can be most helpful to think of empathy as existing on a spectrum. Not all or nothing. Not binary. But with shades of grey

On one end, we often criticize and distance ourselves from those who lack empathy. Seeing the existence of empathy as an automatic positive.

Which empathy can be when grounded and with appropriate boundaries. This balanced or healthy empathy allow us to recognize someone else’s emotional experience without taking it on as our responsibility. This form of empathy supports both connection and autonomy. This is “true empathy” that is consistent with emotional intelligence.

When Empathy Becomes Self-Focused

However, for some as empathy intensifies, it can shift from selfless to selfish. We may begin to feel not only with someone, but for them to the point that their discomfort becomes difficult for the empathizer to tolerate.

At this far end of the spectrum, empathy becomes enabling when the empathizer finds themselves desperately trying to remove the discomfort from the other person. This happens when we claim to feel so badly for someone else that we no longer want them to feel it. But removing someone else’s opportunity for an emotional response, (including negative emotions) no matter how well intentioned is ultimately self serving.

This becomes limiting for one party and burdensome for the other. Instead of being about the other person’s experience, it becomes about the empathizers discomfort with their experience.

If we step in, fix, soften, or carry the emotional weight— we are not helping them, but relieving what we are feeling in response to it.

In that sense, empathy that has exceeded its limit can become more self-focused than it appears.

Why This Matters

Emotional discomfort plays an important role in growth.

Feelings like frustration, regret, or sadness are not problems to be eliminated—they are part of how people learn, adapt, and develop resilience.

When we consistently remove or absorb that discomfort for others, we may unintentionally limit their ability to build those skills.

Support does not require removing the experience. It requires allowing space for it.

Differentiating the Difference

A useful distinction is this:

  • Empathy says: “I see you and understand what you’re feeling.”
  • Enabling says: “I’ll take this from you so you don’t have to feel it.”

The difference is not in how much we care, but in how we respond to that care.

Conclusion

Empathy is not the problem. In fact, it’s necessary.

But when it goes beyond a healthy limit—when it shifts from understanding to over-carrying—it can become counterproductive.

You can care deeply about someone
without carrying what is theirs to feel.

That balance is where empathy is most effective.

A motivational quote over a background of burning firewood that reads: 'you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.'
Three people playing basketball and laughing on an outdoor court at sunset

Fun Isn’t Frivolous: It’s Fuel for Life

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, burnout, cognitive behavioral therapy, PARENTING, personal-growth, REFLECTION
Three people playing basketball and laughing on an outdoor court at sunset

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about fun We love it and yet we are not having enough of it.

We are often entertained. Frequently wanting a distraction. Planning future events. But not let ourselves have real fun in the moment.

Somewhere along the way, too many of us lose touch with it. I hypothesis it starts in teenage years when we start feeling societal pressure and demands. We slow start taking life too seriously. Then in adulthood we gradually add responsibilities and start prioritizing productivity, milestones, achievement, and earnings. We treat fun like a reward we earn after handling our responsibilities.

The problem is… life is a series of problems. So the responsibilities are never fully handled.

There will always be another email, another call, another task, another goal, another pressure, and another metric. If we try fun as future priority we won’t have it. “I’ll be happy when… turns into I can’t be happy now”

Anxiety Might Push You. Fun Sustains You.

As a psychotherapist who works with perfectionism and overthinking, I see a lot of performance-based anxiety.

The pressure to succeed.
The pressure to do more.
The pressure to always be improving.

And to be fair, anxiety can be useful in the short term.

A lot of high achievers are productive because of anxiety. It helps them stay sharp, stay driven, stay on top of things.

But the issue is sustainability.

You can absolutely build success through pressure.
You just usually can’t hold onto it for too long.

That’s where fun comes in.

Fun prevents burnout.
Fun reinvigorates us.
Fun pulls us out of performance mode and back into the present moment.

So even if anxiety pushes us towards success initially- fun is what can help keep us succesful .

Life Was Never Meant to Be Only Outcomes

When you listen to your favorite song, it isn’t about getting to the end of the song.

It’s about singing along. Maybe dancing badly in your kitchen with your loved ones.

When you play sports or board games with your kids, it isn’t about finishing the game.

It’s about playing – the laughing, bonding, harmless competition, and creating memories.

When you go on vacation, it sure as hell isn’t about get back home. It’s not completing the trip.

It’s enjoy it. Having fun along the journey.

Somewhere along the way, many adults start treating life like one giant checklist. Finish the task. Reach the milestone. Get to the next thing.

But life was never meant to only be completed.

It was meant to be lived.

What Is “True Fun”?

We all know what fun is in theory. But I think it helps to define it more clearly.

True fun usually includes three things:

1. Playfulness

Not taking everything so seriously. Room for humor, silliness, spontaneity.

2. Flow

Being immersed enough in the moment that you forget your to-do list for a while.

3. Connection

Sharing moments, laughter, energy, or meaning with others.

That might look like:

  • Playing ping pong and laughing at the ridiculous points in between keeping score
  • Singing karaoke in the kitchen and forgetting what day it is
  • Sitting at dinner with family, recapping the day and joking around
  • Shooting hoops with no agenda other than enjoying yourself
  • Going for a walk and actually noticing the day

Fun often sounds small. But its impact is not small.

Fun Helps Mental Health

Fun is not a cure for anxiety or depression.

But it can be a powerful part of healing.

Fun can help us reconnect with ourselves.
It can remind us we are more than our stress.
It can increase willingness to participate in life again.
It can restore confidence, connection, and energy.

Sometimes people think mental health is only about deep work, heavy conversations, fixing problems.

That matters too.

But healing also happens in laughter.
In movement.
In shared moments.
In joy that doesn’t need to be earned.

This Week, Try This

Don’t ask only:

“What do I need to get done?”

Also ask:

“What can I do to make this day more fun?”

That question can change more than people realize.

Because fun isn’t childish.
It isn’t lazy.
It isn’t extra.

Fun is often the thing that makes life feel like life again.

Embrace Change: The Power of Identity in Personal Growth

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, personal-growth

A pair of black and blue basketball shoes placed on a stone surface with green grass in the background.

I shared this story with someone recently who was struggling with identity, confidence, and feeling stuck. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it applies to a lot of people—personally and professionally.

Some people will remember the early days of me doing all-out sprints in Jordans. I’m lucky my knees survived.

At the time, it made perfect sense to me.

Not because they were built for running. They weren’t. It made sense because they matched who I believed I was.

Basketball was my sport. Basketball had culture. It had confidence, energy, familiarity. It was part of my history. Running, on the other hand, was something you did for conditioning. It wasn’t something I identified with. It belonged to a different type of person.

That distinction mattered more than I understood.

Because many of us do this in life.

We step into something new while trying to preserve an old identity. We say we want growth, but we bring outdated self-perceptions into new environments. We want new results while staying emotionally attached to the version of ourselves that feels familiar.

That creates friction.

Eventually, after enough feedback, my stubborn ass bought real running shoes.

Small purchase.

Big shift.

The shoes didn’t magically change my life. They didn’t make me faster overnight. They didn’t transform me into a runner.

What they did do was signal that I was ready to take this new chapter seriously.

They helped me stop relating only to who I had been and become more open to who I was becoming.

That’s an important distinction.

Real change usually starts with action. You show up. You practice. You make better choices. You build consistency.

But sustainable change often requires something deeper: a shift in identity.

You stop saying, “I’m trying to do this.”

And start saying, “This is part of who I am now.”

That applies everywhere:

The person trying to become healthier while still seeing themselves as someone who always quits. The professional stepping into leadership while still thinking like they need permission. The person rebuilding after divorce, loss, or burnout while still defining themselves by the old chapter. The entrepreneur trying to grow while still attached to the safety of playing small.

Behavior matters.

But behavior becomes more powerful when it aligns with identity.

I had already started running before I bought those shoes. But it wasn’t until I changed how I saw myself that it started to feel meaningful.

Sometimes the next level of growth isn’t more effort.

It’s updating the story you keep telling yourself.

You don’t need to start running.

You don’t need to buy new shoes.

But if you’re stuck between who you’ve been and who you want to become, remember:

You don’t have to run in Jordans.

Why Insight Alone Can’t Change Your Mental Health

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotherapy
A 3D illustration of a human brain with mechanical gears integrated into its structure, glowing with a soft red light against a pale background.

Most of my clients have incredible insight into their mental health. Many people who attend CBT therapy for anxiety or depression already know what they’re supposed to do. They understand it intellectually but still struggle.

They know when their thoughts are irrational.

They know avoidance worsens anxiety.

They know isolation feeds depression.

And yet—nothing changes.

This gap between knowing and doing isn’t a lack of intelligence. It’s certainly not for lack of effort. It’s a misunderstanding of how psychological change actually happens.

Insight Alone Rarely Creates Change

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) emphasizes the connection between thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Understanding your thinking patterns matters. Learning how to challenge unhelpful beliefs matters.

But insight alone rarely leads to sustainable growth.

Many people can accurately identify their cognitive distortions. They can explain why their anxiety “doesn’t make sense.” They may intellectually understand why avoidance keeps them stuck. Yet, they still feel anxious, depressed, or unmotivated. Sitting alone with your thoughts and repeatedly trying to think happy thoughts is not CBT. In fact, trying to think ourselves out of emotional distress often becomes exhausting.

Knowing what would help doesn’t automatically make it easier to do it.

Practice Over Theory

My clinical approach is grounded in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). This is a form of CBT that places particular emphasis on how rigid beliefs and internal demands fuel emotional distress.

From an REBT perspective, we work to replace demands (“shoulds,” “have tos,” and “musts”) with preferences. So we don’t have to do the work—we prefer to do the work, because we prefer to see progress.

But simply put, we still have to practice what we know.

Don’t just talk about it—be about it.

This applies to me as well. I can’t just preach mental health and wellness; I have to actively work at living by it. (Maybe that’s why they call it a private practice). What I practice in private tends to show up in the therapy office.

If I’m burned out, overextended, or ignoring my own limits, that doesn’t stay neatly contained outside of session. Practicing self-care isn’t just something I encourage—it’s something I actively work on. Being present, emotionally attuned, and grounded with clients requires ongoing practice, not just theoretical understanding. I am not alone, nor am I special. This is part of the human experience.

“I Give Great Advice—Just Not to Myself”

Many clients describe themselves as the wise friend—the one who gives thoughtful advice. They validate others’ emotions and see situations clearly from the outside. Yet, they struggle when it comes to their own life.

Often this happens because we:

  • Validate others’ emotions while minimizing our own
  • Apply compassion outward but demand perfection internally
  • Know what helps in theory but avoid it when it feels uncomfortable
  • Let ego convince us we “shouldn’t have to do the work”

This isn’t hypocrisy. It’s human behavior. And it reinforces the same idea: knowing is not the same as practicing.

When You Know What to Do—but Still Can’t Do It

A common frustration I hear in therapy sounds like this:

“I know I shouldn’t isolate, but when I’m depressed I don’t want to burden others.”
“I know structure or exercise would help, but I can’t get myself to start—or even get out of bed.”
“I know no one is judging me at this party, but I’m still worried I’ll look foolish.”

At this point, many people assume something is “wrong” with them. In reality, they’re encountering a very normal limitation of insight-based change.

CBT isn’t about waiting to feel better before acting. It’s about learning how to act while uncomfortable. Or, as I like to say, the beauty is in the work.

Midsteps: Acting Without Needing to Feel Ready

When anxiety or depression is present, meaningful change rarely comes from trying harder or thinking more rationally first. Instead, we focus on midsteps—small, intentional actions that are possible even when motivation is low.

For example:

You don’t go to the crowded store, but you walk to the mailbox
You don’t socialize for hours, but you step outside briefly
You don’t feel confident, but you take action anyway

These steps aren’t about eliminating discomfort. They’re about moving through it—gradually demonstrating to yourself that you can withstand it.

Experiential Knowledge Is What Changes Beliefs

In CBT and REBT, beliefs change most reliably through experience—not logic alone. While we may brainstorm cognitive reframes in session to reduce stress and anxiety, long-term growth comes from experiential learning and resilience-building.

Experiential knowledge is built by:

  • Doing difficult things while anxious
  • Acting while depressed, unmotivated, or self-critical
  • Learning firsthand that discomfort is tolerable
  • Developing resilience to frustration

Sometimes those actions feel empowering. Other times they come with sweating, self-doubt, tears, or a pit in your stomach.

It all counts.

Each experience provides evidence that:

“I can tolerate discomfort and still function. I can withstand this.”

Over time, this weakens avoidance and reshapes emotional responses—not through positive thinking, but through repeated practice.

Therapy as a Place to Practice, Not Just Understand

Therapy isn’t about convincing yourself you shouldn’t feel anxious or depressed.

It’s about learning how to act effectively while you do.

For clients seeking CBT therapy for anxiety or depression, this approach often resonates with people. It particularly appeals to those who value self-improvement. They emphasize personal responsibility and intellectually honest change.

That’s why knowing isn’t enough—and why meaningful progress comes from practice over theory.

Stop Trying to Optimize Your Life (And Why Self-Optimization Fuels Anxiety)

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, burnout, cognitive behavioral therapy, perfectionism, personal-growth

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to improve your life.

The problem isn’t improvement. The problem is when improvement becomes a requirement or psychological demand for self-worth. Furthermore if we must always be constantly improving we leave no room for acceptance.

Bettering yourself is great. Telling yourself your not enough isn’t okay.

When Optimization Turns Into Pressure

We are living in a culture that encourages constant optimization.

Track your sleep.

Dial in your macros.

Engineer your morning routine.

Regulate your nervous system.

Maximize your potential.

None of this is pathological on its own.

But from a cognitive-behavioral perspective, distress is rarely caused by habits themselves. It’s caused by the beliefs attached to them.

When the belief becomes:

  • “If I’m not consistent, I’m failing.”
  • “If I can’t regulate my anxiety 100%, something is wrong with me.”
  • “If I’m not maximizing my potential, I’m wasting my life.”

We’ve crossed from growth into conditional self-esteem.

And conditional self-esteem is fragile. If self-worth is earned; it can be taken away.

Perfectionism in a More Sophisticated Form

Most people misunderstand perfectionism.

It’s not simply high standards.

It’s the belief that your value depends on performance.

That belief is strongly associated with:

Optimization culture often reinforces this pattern quietly.

It suggests that if you just refine the habits enough — sleep better, eat better, regulate better, focus better — you’ll finally feel like your enough.

But if your stability depends on perfect execution, you won’t feel stable for very long. Even if you capture it on one random occasion; then what? Are you required to replicated the performance indefinitely in order to maintain your worth?

That’s self-disturbing pressure, not self-actualization.

The Psychological Mechanism

Clinically, what we often see is rigidity.

Rigidity looks like:

  • Low tolerance for deviation
  • Intolerance of uncertainty
  • Excessive self-monitoring
  • Global self-judgment after minor mistakes
  • Negative self-rating

Missing one workout becomes evidence of inadequacy.

A bad night of sleep becomes a link to some personal failure.

An anxious day becomes proof that you’re not “cured.”

The behavior isn’t the issue.

The interpretation is.

This is a core principle in CBT and REBT: emotional distress is amplified by rigid, absolutistic beliefs — not by imperfection itself.

Control Is Not the Same as Health

Many optimization strategies are attempts to reduce discomfort through control.

Control can be useful.

But when control becomes an obsessive need to avoid feeling inadequate, anxious, or uncertain, it reinforces the very vulnerability it’s trying to eliminate.

The more you try to eliminate anxiety completely, the more sensitive you become to it.

The more you try to eliminate imperfection, the less resilient you become to normal human fluctuation.

Without acceptance, self-improvement becomes anxiety with better branding.

Unconditional Self-Esteem

Healthy discipline is compatible with unconditional self-worth.

Unhealthy discipline depends on conditional self-worth.

The difference is subtle but clinically important.

Unconditional self-esteem says:

I have inherent value as a human being. I can prefer to perform well, but my value is not dependent on it.

Conditional self-worth says:

I must perform well to justify my value.

The second creates chronic internal pressure.

The first creates cognitive flexibility.

And flexibility is what predicts long-term mental health.

A More Sustainable Model

Mental health is not optimal regulation.

It is psychological flexibility.

It is the ability to:

  • Miss a workout without collapsing your identity
  • Feel anxious without interpreting it as failure
  • Be inconsistent without becoming self-condemning
  • Improve without needing improvement to feel acceptable

Fixated attempts to optimize your life are often sub-optimal for your mental health.

Because they quietly reinforce the equation:

Performance = Value.

And that equation fuels anxiety.

Final Thought

You don’t need to abandon self-improvement. You need self-acceptance while doing it.

You need to loosen your attachment to optimization.

If your self-worth is stable, improvement becomes preferential.

Preferential thinking is sustainable.

Compulsive optimization (absolute thinking) is not.

High-Functioning Anxiety: Identifying Burnout Early

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in anxiety, burnout, perfectionism
An abstract image depicting a person in a thoughtful pose, symbolizing high-functioning anxiety and burnout, with a blue and grey color palette. The text overlay reads 'High-Functioning Anxiety' and 'Identifying Burnout Early.'

High-functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed—not because it isn’t painful, but because it works.

From the outside, it can look like success. Competence. Leadership. Reliability.

On the inside, it often feels like never being able to fully exhale.

Many people with high-functioning anxiety don’t realize they’re burning out until their nervous system forces a stop.

What High-Functioning Anxiety Can Look Like

A close-up of a young businessman with blue eyes and styled hair, looking serious in an office setting, with a blurred figure in the background holding a document.

High-functioning anxiety doesn’t always show up as panic or avoidance. More often, it shows up as traits that are rewarded.

  • Reliability: Always following through. Always doing what you said you would do—often driven by internal pressure, perfectionism, or fear of letting others down.
  • Productivity: A strong need to prove yourself. Seeking reassurance through achievement, output, or external validation.
  • Leadership Skills: Being highly attuned to other people’s needs, moods, and expectations—sometimes at the expense of your own.
  • Problem-Solving: Constantly scanning the environment for potential issues or threats. Always thinking ahead. Always preparing.

These traits can lead to professional or financial success. This is why it’s so hard to identify them and reduce them when needed.

When Functioning Turns Into Exhaustion

Over time, this way of operating takes a toll.

High-functioning anxiety often leads to burnout marked by:

  • Always having to be on.
  • Difficulty enjoying success because you’re focused on preserving it.
  • Impostor syndrome—worrying you’ll be “found out”
  • Future-tripping instead of being present
  • A persistent lack of joy, satisfaction, or ease
  • Rarely stopping to enjoy what you’ve already achieved

You may technically be doing well—yet feel disconnected, restless, or chronically tired.

Why Letting Go Feels So Hard

One of the biggest challenges with high-functioning anxiety is that the anxiety has worked.

It may have helped you:

  • reach goals
  • advance your career
  • create stability
  • earn respect

So the idea of loosening control can feel dangerous.

Many people worry:

“If I stop pushing myself, everything will fall apart.”

From Demands to Preferences

A key shift in reducing burnout and perfectionism is learning to move from demanding thinking to preference-based thinking. We identify demand thinking with buzz words like: should, have to, or must.

Demanding thoughts sound like:

I must succeed to justify my position in life.

I have to hit this metric to prove my worth.

I should be doing more or I am going to fail.

Preference-based thoughts sound like:

I prefer to succeed. (I do not have to succeed in all aspects of my life to be valuable)

I’d like to hit this metric. (I can adapt if I don’t hit each metric for each task. I don’t have to prove my worth)

I want to achieve this goal. (I can accept if I don’t achieve goals exactly when I want. Failure is not fatal)

The difference matters.

When goals become demands, your worth gets tied to outcomes.

When goals remain preferences, effort and value can coexist—even when things don’t go ideally.

Your worth does not increase when you achieve more, and it does not disappear when you fall short.

A close-up of a handwritten note that says 'You are enough' on a lined notebook page.
Photo by Bich Tran on Pexels.com

Learning to Be “Good Enough” on Purpose

For many people with high-functioning anxiety, healing doesn’t come from trying harder—it comes from intentionally doing less.

This can include:

  • Allowing small mistakes
  • Letting yourself under-perform occasionally
  • Resisting the urge to always max out
  • Practicing being uncomfortable without fixing it

This isn’t about lowering standards—it’s about increasing flexibility.

In therapeutic work, this often looks like a form of exposure:

learning to tolerate imperfection and uncertainty so your nervous system can finally stand down.

The Goal Isn’t Less Success—It’s More Presence

A hiker standing atop a rocky peak with arms outstretched, basking in the sunlight against a scenic mountain backdrop.

Reducing high-functioning anxiety doesn’t mean giving up ambition.

It means creating space to:

  1. enjoy what you’ve already built
  2. feel present in your life
  3. experience satisfaction without immediately chasing the next goal
  4. increase self-esteem or self worthiness

Burnout is not a personal failure.

It’s often a signal that the system you’ve been using no longer serves you.

A Gentle Next Step

If this resonates, you’re not broken—and you’re not alone.

You don’t have to wait until everything collapses to get support.

Learning to relate differently to achievement, pressure, and self-worth can restore energy, presence, and a sense of ease that anxiety quietly steals.

Therapy FAQs: Why Am I Not Seeing Progress?

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in cognitive behavioral therapy, personal-growth, psychotherapy, REFLECTION

One of the most common frustrations I hear in therapy is some version of:

“I’m doing the work… but I don’t feel like I’m making progress.”

That feeling can be discouraging. People accustomed to measuring growth may question therapy’s effectiveness. Those concerned with improvement or productivity might also doubt if therapy is working.

Not seeing growth in therapy doesn’t mean nothing is happening. More often, it means progress is showing up in ways that are slower. It can be subtler and also harder to measure than we expect.

Here are a few reasons why therapy can feel stagnant even when meaningful change is happening.

1. Change Is Slow

We live in a world of immediate gratification. When something doesn’t produce quick results, it’s easy to assume it isn’t effective.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy isn’t fast-acting in the way people often hope for. But it is long-lasting. Real change tends to happen gradually, through repetition, practice, and consistency—not sudden insight alone.

That slowness can be frustrating, especially if you’re used to seeing effort quickly turn into outcomes.

2. Change Is Subtle

We love watching our kids grow up, but we don’t notice their growth day by day.

The same is true for our own personal growth.

Subtle progress is hard to see—even when it’s happening. When change occurs in small increments, it often only becomes visible in hindsight. That makes it easy to overlook and dismiss in the moment.

3. You’re Not Used to Looking for Progress

Many people I work with are high-demand, operating-at-maximum-efficiency types.

Your brain is used to looking for the deficit, not the progress.

By “deficit,” I mean the area short of perfection—the place where you could still improve. When your mind is trained this way, it becomes very good at spotting problems and very bad at taking inventory of wins.

We get so used to asking “What still needs work?” that we rarely pause to notice what has changed.

CBT sessions help slow this process down and intentionally identify progress—even when that progress is simply prioritizing mental health by showing up consistently to sessions.

That still counts.

4. Progress Is Not Linear

If we start plotting points of happiness or progress, it becomes clear pretty quickly that growth isn’t a straight line.

You’re not always going to feel good.

You’re not always going to be successful.

Sometimes you stub your toe.

Sometimes you get sick.

Sometimes you react to a trigger in a way you wish you hadn’t.

Those moments are just that—moments. Not the journey.

Temporary setbacks don’t erase progress. They’re part of it.

5. You’re Trying… But Are You Really Trying?

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

Effort can be difficult to define, especially in therapy.

It’s easy to feel like you’re trying just by talking about things in session. But are you doing the work outside of therapy?

That might look like:

Journaling Taking breaks Practicing boundaries Prioritizing the right kind of self-care

Insight matters—but insight alone rarely creates change. Behavior and practice are where progress tends to take root.

6. Effort Doesn’t Equal Outcome

This part is important—and often overlooked.

Sometimes we are doing the work.

We can do the right things, and it still doesn’t mean we’ll get the desired results—at least not yet.

That doesn’t mean the effort is wasted.

Keep up the effort.

Keep noticing the effort.

Give yourself some damn credit.

And trust the process.

Final Thoughts

Therapy isn’t about constant improvement or feeling better all the time. It’s about learning how to relate differently to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors over time.

If therapy feels slow or frustrating, that doesn’t mean it isn’t working. It may mean the changes you’re making are quieter, deeper, and still unfolding.

Those changes tend to last.

Parenting by Example: How Confidence is Modeled, Not Taught

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in cognitive behavioral therapy, PARENTING, REFLECTION
A close-up image of an adult hand and a child's hand touching, symbolizing connection and affection.

At this stage of my career, I primarily work with young adults and adults navigating anxiety, depression, and self-esteem. But not that long ago, I was the young, cool therapist—the one parents wanted their ADHD or ODD sons to connect with.

I still love child development. I still enjoy working with kids and adolescents.

But nothing grounds you quite like having an 11-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old stepdaughter.

I am no longer the young, cool therapist. And almost certainly not the cool guy at home. (The eye rolls out number the laughs nowadays)

And honestly? That’s probably for the best.

When Being “Cool” Stops Being the Goal

Not that I’m trying to be cool to middle schoolers. Insert generic dad joke about not having rizz. (Listen, I’m cool enough to know not to even attempt it.)

A man wearing a red cap and skateboard, dressed in casual attire, greets a group of young people with the phrase 'How do you do, fellow kids?'

What’s shifted isn’t my sense of humor—it’s my focus. Somewhere in the second decade of parenting, the question quietly changes. It’s no longer about telling them they’re awesome little achievers that can do anything they put their little minds to.

It becomes about showing them what it looks like to be proud of yourself in life.

Am I someone I’d want to become?

Am I leading by example?

The First Decade: Building Their Confidence and life. 

During the first decade of parenting, I spent a lot of energy cultivating my daughter’s self-esteem. I encouraged her and celebrated her achievements. I made sure she knew she was capable and worthy.

Lately?

She gives significantly fewer shits about what I think.

She rolls her eyes and sarcastically asks “is this another life lesson?!” She complains when I encourage her to be proud of herself. I get it. It’s dorky now. It’s parent stuff.

The Second Decade: Modeling Living a confident enjoyable life. 

What actually needs my attention now isn’t coaching her confidence—but modeling it.

That means being proud of myself.

Not “cool” (that ship sailed when I started making comments worthy of Progressive Insurance commercials).

But grounded. Intentional. Honest.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering:

Would my daughter want to live a life like mine?

Two individuals running on treadmills in a gym with large windows showing a view of the outdoors.

Leading by Example Isn’t About Control—It’s About Consistency

I hope my daughter continues to be her own independent, creative self. (Though, good or bad, she has many of my idiosyncrasies.)

My role now feels less about directing her growth and more about living in a way that demonstrates self-respect.

One of the best things we can do for the people we love is take care of ourselves. We are not do it performatively, not perfectly, but consistently.

Good parenting isn’t just being present and attentive.

It’s being able to stand behind the life you’re living.

That includes being proud of your own:

  1. Daily habits
  2. Physical health and movement
  3. Mental health and emotional regulation
  4. Relationships
  5. Interests, hobbies, and passions

Kids notice what we do far more than what we say.

A framed sign with the text 'SELF CARE ISN'T SELFISH' displayed against a pink background, accompanied by a shadow from a plant.

Modeling Matters More Than Motivating

Recently, our girls did wall sits for an absurd amount of time—because I was doing a wall-sit challenge at my gym.

No lecture required.

No motivational speech.

Just modeling.

My daughter has also been leaning into humor lately. (I like to think we’ve made her life just stressful enough to have good material, yet comfortable enough to feel secure being silly.)

She told me a story from school that stuck with me.

She wanted to leave school early. She Googled me, pulled up my website, and showed her friends my profile—where my session fees are listed.

She announced:

“Guys, I have to come up with at least a hundred dollars for my dad to come get me.”

I was proud—not because she was “flexing,” but because she was playful, confident, and comfortable sharing this tibdit with her classmates ( and now with me). She proceeded to ask her classmates if she looked like me. (She did not need confirmation—unfortunately- poor girl looks exactly like her dad.)

What that moment told me was this:

She wasn’t embarrassed by me.

She wasn’t hiding me.

She was proud.

A man in sunglasses stands with a water bottle and a towel over his shoulder, watching two children play soccer in a sunny park.

Being Someone Your Kids Can Be Proud Of Starts With You

I know 11 is still young. The next decade will likely involve plenty of eye-rolling, boundary-testing, and days where I unequivocally take the L.

But I want to give myself the best chance possible—not by being perfect, but by being someone I respect.

Because when I’m proud of how I live,

when I show up for myself,

when I take care of my mental and physical health—

I’m not just teaching her confidence.

I’m showing her what it looks like.

And hopefully, one day, she’ll be damn proud of herself too.

Realistic Goal Setting: Why Most New Year’s Resolutions Fail (and What Actually Works)

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Every January, many people set New Year’s resolutions with the hope that this will be the year they finally become more disciplined, motivated, organized, emotionally regulated, physically healthier, and financially stable.

By February, most of those goals have stalled or been abandoned.

This is not because people are lazy or lack willpower. More often, resolutions fail because goal-setting is approached from an unrealistic psychological framework.

Understanding why New Year’s resolutions fail—and how behavior change actually works—can help create more sustainable and mentally healthy goals.

The Motivation Myth in Goal Setting

One of the most common beliefs behind failed resolutions is:

“I need to be motivated to start.”

Although this belief feels intuitive, it is psychologically inaccurate. From a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) perspective, this represents an unrealistic expectation that often leads to avoidance, frustration, and self-criticism.

Motivation is not a prerequisite for action. In most cases, motivation follows behavior, not the other way around. Research in behavioral psychology consistently shows that action precedes emotional momentum.

Waiting to feel motivated before starting is similar to waiting for confidence before engaging in the behavior that builds confidence. The sequence is reversed.

Why Unrealistic Goals Lead to Burnout

In addition to relying on motivation, many people construct goals that are overly broad or rigid:

“I’m going to completely change my life.” “I’m never doing that again.” “I’m all in or nothing.”

These all-or-nothing approaches are common cognitive distortions. While they may feel decisive, they often lead to burnout and reinforce the belief that setbacks reflect personal failure.

Sustainable behavior change tends to be incremental, repetitive, and unremarkable.

One habit.

Made manageable.

Repeated imperfectly.

This is not a lack of ambition—it is a more accurate model of how long-term change occurs.

The Problem with “New Year, New Me”

Popular self-improvement narratives often suggest that meaningful change requires becoming a different person. Clinically, this framing can undermine self-efficacy by implying that the current self is insufficient to initiate growth.

From a therapeutic perspective, progress does not require reinvention. It requires consistent effort from the existing self.

Behavior change is not an identity overhaul. It is a practice.

How Self-Defeating Thoughts Sabotage Progress

Before people disengage behaviorally, they often disengage cognitively. Self-defeating beliefs typically precede avoidance.

Common examples include:

“I need to feel motivated to start.” “I should be further along by now.” “If I can’t do it perfectly, what’s the point?”

Although these thoughts may feel true, they tend to increase psychological pressure, reduce distress tolerance, and make quitting more likely.

A Rational Alternative to Motivation-Based Change

REBT emphasizes replacing unhelpful beliefs with rational, flexible alternatives that support persistence:

“I do not need to feel motivated to act.” “I can tolerate discomfort.” “I can improve one small thing at a time.” “Effort itself has value.”

This is not positive thinking or affirmation-based work. It is cognitive restructuring grounded in behavioral principles.

Progress is built through daily effort and consistency, especially when motivation is low.

Practical, Realistic Goal Setting Strategies

For individuals seeking healthier and more effective goal setting, the following principles are supported by behavioral psychology and clinical practice:

Focus on behaviors rather than outcomes Choose one habit instead of multiple simultaneous changes Expect discomfort and plan for it rather than avoiding it Measure success by follow-through, not intensity

Less pressure.

More discipline.

Smaller steps.

This approach does not lower standards—it places them where they are psychologically sustainable.

Keywords targeted: realistic goal setting, New Year’s resolutions and mental health, motivation and behavior change, REBT therapy, behavior change psychology, self-discipline vs motivation