Tag: personal-growth

Realistic Goal Setting: Why Most New Year’s Resolutions Fail (and What Actually Works)

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Every January, many people set New Year’s resolutions with the hope that this will be the year they finally become more disciplined, motivated, organized, emotionally regulated, physically healthier, and financially stable.

By February, most of those goals have stalled or been abandoned.

This is not because people are lazy or lack willpower. More often, resolutions fail because goal-setting is approached from an unrealistic psychological framework.

Understanding why New Year’s resolutions fail—and how behavior change actually works—can help create more sustainable and mentally healthy goals.

The Motivation Myth in Goal Setting

One of the most common beliefs behind failed resolutions is:

“I need to be motivated to start.”

Although this belief feels intuitive, it is psychologically inaccurate. From a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) perspective, this represents an unrealistic expectation that often leads to avoidance, frustration, and self-criticism.

Motivation is not a prerequisite for action. In most cases, motivation follows behavior, not the other way around. Research in behavioral psychology consistently shows that action precedes emotional momentum.

Waiting to feel motivated before starting is similar to waiting for confidence before engaging in the behavior that builds confidence. The sequence is reversed.

Why Unrealistic Goals Lead to Burnout

In addition to relying on motivation, many people construct goals that are overly broad or rigid:

“I’m going to completely change my life.” “I’m never doing that again.” “I’m all in or nothing.”

These all-or-nothing approaches are common cognitive distortions. While they may feel decisive, they often lead to burnout and reinforce the belief that setbacks reflect personal failure.

Sustainable behavior change tends to be incremental, repetitive, and unremarkable.

One habit.

Made manageable.

Repeated imperfectly.

This is not a lack of ambition—it is a more accurate model of how long-term change occurs.

The Problem with “New Year, New Me”

Popular self-improvement narratives often suggest that meaningful change requires becoming a different person. Clinically, this framing can undermine self-efficacy by implying that the current self is insufficient to initiate growth.

From a therapeutic perspective, progress does not require reinvention. It requires consistent effort from the existing self.

Behavior change is not an identity overhaul. It is a practice.

How Self-Defeating Thoughts Sabotage Progress

Before people disengage behaviorally, they often disengage cognitively. Self-defeating beliefs typically precede avoidance.

Common examples include:

“I need to feel motivated to start.” “I should be further along by now.” “If I can’t do it perfectly, what’s the point?”

Although these thoughts may feel true, they tend to increase psychological pressure, reduce distress tolerance, and make quitting more likely.

A Rational Alternative to Motivation-Based Change

REBT emphasizes replacing unhelpful beliefs with rational, flexible alternatives that support persistence:

“I do not need to feel motivated to act.” “I can tolerate discomfort.” “I can improve one small thing at a time.” “Effort itself has value.”

This is not positive thinking or affirmation-based work. It is cognitive restructuring grounded in behavioral principles.

Progress is built through daily effort and consistency, especially when motivation is low.

Practical, Realistic Goal Setting Strategies

For individuals seeking healthier and more effective goal setting, the following principles are supported by behavioral psychology and clinical practice:

Focus on behaviors rather than outcomes Choose one habit instead of multiple simultaneous changes Expect discomfort and plan for it rather than avoiding it Measure success by follow-through, not intensity

Less pressure.

More discipline.

Smaller steps.

This approach does not lower standards—it places them where they are psychologically sustainable.

Keywords targeted: realistic goal setting, New Year’s resolutions and mental health, motivation and behavior change, REBT therapy, behavior change psychology, self-discipline vs motivation

The Presence of the Positive 

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

I often tell clients to look for the presence of a positive, not merely the absence of a negative.

It’s an important shift. Our minds are wired to scan for what’s missing, unsafe, or imperfect—an evolutionary survival skill that doesn’t always serve us in modern life. Gratitude reframes that instinct. It invites us to focus on what we have instead of what we don’t, on what is rather than what’s lacking.

Progress Isn’t a Destination

We tend to measure our lives by how far we are from some imagined ideal—some future point where everything is optimized, organized, perfected. But progress is an asymptote; it never fully touches perfection. Growth doesn’t happen by crossing a finish line. It happens in small, steady increments that accumulate into something meaningful.

Gratitude helps us notice those increments.

It reminds us that even when the big picture feels unfinished, movement is still happening.

What We Once Wanted, We Now Have (Understanding Hedonistic Adaptation)

This is where something called hedonistic adaptation becomes important.

Hedonistic adaptation is a psychological process in which we quickly get used to positive changes in our lives—no matter how exciting or meaningful they initially felt. Our emotional baseline creeps back to “normal,” and the new good thing becomes… ordinary.

It’s why we crave something intensely, feel a surge of happiness when we get it, and then, after a while, barely notice it.

Two years ago, I really wanted that new car. Now it’s just… my car.

A new phone arrives with enthusiasm—and within months it becomes an extension of daily routine.

Gratitude gives us a counterweight to that drift.

It lets us briefly look back—not to dwell, but to appreciate.

It helps us recognize the dreams we’ve already achieved, the goals we’ve quietly fulfilled, and the ways our lives have improved even if we no longer feel the initial spark.

We don’t have to cling to the past, but we can let it reorient us toward appreciation.

Being Here, Now

At its core, gratitude is an anchor to presence.

It’s a gentle interruption of the mind’s tendency to chase the next thing, the next fix, the next improvement. When we shift attention to what exists in this moment—what is steady, what is working, what is simply here—we create space for a kind of flow state. Not a performative productivity flow, but a grounded, embodied one.

Sometimes gratitude is big and inspirational.

Sometimes it’s small and quiet.

And sometimes it’s simply acknowledging that we’re still standing—that existence itself is a positive when so many things could have knocked us down.

A Simple Invitation

This week, try noticing one presence of a positive each day.

Not what’s missing.

Not what needs fixing.

Just one thing already here that speaks to growth, resilience, or quiet abundance.

Gratitude won’t erase the hard things, but it can re-balance them.

It reminds us that even amidst struggle, there are moments worth recognizing—moments that show how far we’ve already come.

When Things Don’t Make Sense: Our Brain’s War on Randomness

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Our brains hate randomness.

They’re wired to make sense of things — to find patterns, explanations, and stories that help us feel safe in an unpredictable world. This instinct isn’t a flaw; it’s evolutionary design. Detecting patterns once helped us survive — to predict danger, find food, or spot threats before they happened. But in modern life, that same mechanism can backfire.

When things feel uncertain or chaotic, we start to search for meaning everywhere. We try to explain every silence, every coincidence, every delay. For those of us with perfectionistic or obsessive tendencies, this drive for control can become relentless. We organize, analyze, and overthink in an effort to turn the unpredictable into something we can manage. OCD, in many ways, is this process in overdrive — a mind trying to create order where none exists.

The irony is that our brains are not particularly good scientists. They make connections based on incomplete data, filling in gaps to maintain a sense of coherence. Psychology identifies these as cognitive distortions: such as confirmation bias, personalization, all-or-nothing thinking — mental shortcuts that make the random feel meaningful. These patterns can help us feel more in control, but they often lead us away from truth and toward anxiety.

Sometimes, things really are just random.

The person who gave you a dirty look.

The friend who didn’t text back.

The awkward silence.

The string of bad luck that makes you feel cursed.

Maybe none of it means anything. And that’s difficult for the mind to accept.

Accepting randomness challenges one of our deepest needs: the need for control and create predictability. Yet learning to tolerate uncertainty — what psychologists call uncertainty tolerance — is central to emotional health. When we stop demanding that every event carry meaning, we make room for peace and perspective.

So next time your mind rushes to interpret, pause.

Take a breath.

Ask yourself: What if this is just random?

You might find that letting go of the need to make sense of everything is, in itself, a kind of freedom.

Accountability as a Path to Growth

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Human psychology exists for the purpose of survival. Much of what we do—consciously or unconsciously—stems from the instinct to protect ourselves. This can often show up in unpleasant ways such as selfishness, defensiveness, or even narcissism. This is because we cling to our sense of self, avoid shame, and fight to maintain control. When someone holds us accountable, or offers constructive feedback, it feels like a direct threat. This feedback threatens our fragile survival system.

But what if feedback isn’t a threat at all? What if it’s the very thing that helps us move closer to who we want to be?

Reframing Criticism

Most of us have been conditioned to see accountability as punitive – a consequence for getting “caught” doing something wrong. That mindset might work comfortably when it’s holding others accountable, but when the focus shifts to us, it triggers defensiveness, denial, or blame-shifting.

At its core, though, constructive feedback can be a mirror. It reflects how our actions affect others, reveals our blind spots, and increases self-awareness. Instead of viewing criticism as an attack, we can see accountability as an invitation- an opportunity to self-actualize. When we move from fear to receptiveness, feedback stops feeling like a strike against our worth and becomes a compass guiding us in a better direction.

From “Fuck You” to “Thank You”

Imagine a culture where feedback isn’t met with hostility but with gratitude. Instead of a reflexive “fuck you” when we’re challenged, we respond with “thank you.”

Thank you for helping me see what I couldn’t.

Thank you for trusting me enough to call me to corrective action.

Thank you for letting me know where you stand so I can properly adapt.

That small shift can have profound effects. It builds trust in relationships, strengthens communities, and creates workplaces and families where honesty isn’t feared but welcomed. Accountability stops being a weapon and becomes a gift when we reframe it.

Choosing Growth Over Defense

This isn’t easy. Our instinct to protect ourselves won’t disappear overnight. But each time we catch ourselves getting defensive, we have a choice: double down on pride, or lean into growth. The latter requires humility, vulnerability, and courage. Yet it also leads to freedom—the freedom that comes from knowing we don’t have to be perfect, only willing to learn.

Unconditional self acceptance is the foundation of this work. Only when we accept ourselves fully can we acknowledge our mistakes and embrace feedback without shame.

If we, collectively, begin to approach accountability this way, we will change not just our individual lives but the culture we live in. A culture less obsessed with defending the ego and more committed to becoming better, together.

So the next time someone calls you out—or calls you in—pause. Breathe. And maybe, just maybe, try saying “thank you.” This week, let’s choose one phrase as our accountability anchor. Use something like “Thank you, I’ll have to think about that.” Carry it with you. Practice using it the next time feedback comes your way.

Commitment Over Comfort: How discipline outweighs feelings

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Anyone can create a goal. Anyone can imagine a vision for themselves or how they’d like their life to be. But a vision without effort is counterproductive—sometimes it even worsens that damn depression. The world doesn’t hand out rewards for what you dream. It’s what you do, especially when you don’t feel like it, that moves you closer to the life you want.

Self-discipline is committing to your goals through action. It’s the quiet, consistent work when no one is looking that builds pride and self-respect. Commitment is action-based; wants are feelings-based. And while our feelings are valid and understandable, they aren’t the deciding factor. At times, we need the reminder: don’t wait for the feeling—do it anyway.

In CBT and REBT, we often emphasize how thoughts shape behaviors. But the reverse is also true: behaviors can reshape our thinking. When we take action first, even against resistance, motivation and confidence often follow. Each step forward is not only progress toward a goal, but also proof that we can trust ourselves to follow through.

Of course, there are times when we overindulge or fall short of our vision. I do too. And with that can come a sense of shame or guilt. But rather than seeing it as failure, we can treat that discomfort as a notification—and attempt the following steps

1. Remind ourselves that our behavior is out of sync with our values. Identify the commitments that we truly value.


2. Choose one behavior that reconnects us to our commitments. This next step, choosing commitment over comfort, strengthens the muscle of self-actualization. We move closer to the life we want—not through fleeting motivation, but through persistent action.


3. Take a moment to pause and appreciate our existing and current efforts. Not just the outcome, but the act of showing up. That self-respect is a kind of pride no external pleasure can replace.

Reflection for the week:

Where are you waiting to “feel ready” before you act? Choose one small action that aligns with your commitment and do it—even if you don’t want to. Then pause to appreciate the effort itself. More motivation may follow, but the real strength is built in that moment of action.

From “Have To” to “Get To”: Practicing Gratitude in the Everyday

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Gratitude is elusive. We know it’s available, but in the rush of daily life it can be difficult to recognize in the moment.

There’s value in what we might call grand gratitude—the ability to appreciate life as a whole. But that big-picture perspective can fade when we’re met with the sharp edges of stress, conflict, anxiety, or depression. In those moments, sweeping gratitude for “life itself” doesn’t always feel useful.

I often ask myself: I love my life, but do I love living it? Do I love every minute of it? Of course, it’s unreasonable to expect constant joy. But it raises a deeper question—how can I improve my relationship with gratitude?

One answer lies in reframing. Instead of telling myself I have to do something, I try to remind myself I get to. I get to do the things I don’t want to do. I get to live. I get to struggle. Each unwelcome task is still an opportunity—for growth, for strength, or for building resilience.

This shift feels especially relevant on Labor Day. We celebrate the chance to rest from work, but does that mean we can’t also celebrate the work itself? In America, our relationship with productivity is often demanding, even unhealthy. Work is tied to survival, status, and identity. Yet beyond making money, work can also serve as a source of purpose. What if we allowed ourselves to appreciate both sides—the days of rest and the days of labor?

The same applies to our inner lives. Just as we “get to” work for a paycheck, we also get to work on ourselves. We may not always want to, but the opportunity is there.

This is where mindfulness enters: it’s the practice of seeing opportunities where we might otherwise see burdens. To notice that we get to live, to get to struggle, to get to engage with the fullness of our human experience. Gratitude becomes less of a grand, abstract concept and more of an active, moment-to-moment practice.

The truth is, we don’t always have control over what life gives us. But we do have control over whether we see it as a burden—or as a gift we get to carry.

If you’d like to strengthen this practice, start small this week:

  • Pick one task you usually dread. Before you begin, pause and reframe it from “I have to” into “I get to.”
  • Notice what shifts. Even if the task doesn’t become enjoyable, see if it feels lighter, more purposeful, or more connected to growth.
  • Build from there. Over time, these small reframes can accumulate into a deeper sense of everyday gratitude.

This is the kind of mindful reframing I often explore with clients—finding practical ways to cultivate resilience, reduce stress, and stay connected to purpose. If you’re interested in working on your own practice of gratitude and perspective, I’d love to connect. Together, we can turn the “have to’s” of your life into meaningful “get to’s.”

✨ Want more reflections like this? Subscribe to my blog for biweekly insights on growth, healing, and mental health.

Until next time,

David Zerella, LCSW

You Are Not Your Worst Behavior

Posted on by David Zerella, LCSW in Uncategorized

Language matters. I say it all the time: Our word choice affects how we think. How we think affects how we feel and how we feel affects how we behave. Therefore, changing our language can change how we think, feel, and behave. One of the most important distinctions in self talk linguistics is the difference between being and behaving.

Unconditional acceptance is understanding people are not defined by their behavior. People may behave a certain way but it doesn’t mean they are a certain way. We all too often overuse the verb being when we mean behaving. The issue is that saying (and thinking) people are a certain way leads to labeling. It suggests rigidity and establishes absolutes within our thinking,

Behavior vs. Identity

So often we collapse someone’s entire identity into one word:

She’s rude.
He’s stupid.
I’m lazy.

The problem is, once we label someone (including ourselves), we stop leaving room for growth. But when we describe behavior instead, it opens up possibility:

She’s behaving in a way that feels inconsiderate.
He’s behaving immaturely.
I’m behaving in a way that isn’t aligned with my values.

Behavior can change. Identity is bigger than that.

You Are Not Your Worst Moment

This shift matters most when we turn it inward. Many of us define ourselves by our worst mistake, our lowest moment, or even our deepest trauma.

I failed, so I’m a failure.
I yelled, so I’m a terrible person.
This trauma defines me—I’ll never move past it.

But here’s the truth: you are not the worst thing you’ve done, and you are not your trauma.

Our mistakes and traumas are part of our story — but they don’t have to be the headline. Sometimes, the hardest chapters become the very soil where resilience, compassion, and strength grow.

The Hidden Gift

Sometimes the hardest parts of life become the very experiences that shape us most. Pain doesn’t become a blessing because it was “good” or “okay.” It becomes a blessing because we discover meaning, strength, or compassion in the aftermath.

Even our worst behavior can serve as a turning point—an invitation to reflect, repair, and grow.

✨ A Gentle Invitation

This week, notice when you catch yourself saying “I am…” or “I’m being” in a negative way. Try shifting it to:

  • I’m struggling with…
  • I’m working on…
  • I’m learning to…

See how it feels to hold your challenges as temporary struggles, not permanent identities. My hope is that these small shifts in language give you space to breathe, reflect, and choose growth over judgment.

✨ Want more reflections like this? Subscribe to my blog for biweekly insights on growth, healing, and mental health.

Until next time,

David Zerella, LCSW