Author: David Zerella, LCSW

 

{4:06 minutes to read}  As part of the human experience, we all have our “bad” days:

• Typical daily tasks appear more menial and frustrating than usual.
• Added frustrations or unexpected difficulties arise which we couldn’t have foreseen.
• Other people get on our nerves more often.
• We are facing changes or transitions we don’t like.
• Not thinking, feeling, or looking our very best.

Sound familiar? These types of days happen to all of us.

There is a normalcy to the notion of a “bad” day. It can help us in communicating and relating to others. Similarly, it can help us to accept and deal with a day of unfortunate events.

However, we can also do ourselves a great disservice if we start believing the “day” (or week, month, or even year, for that matter) is truly “bad.” Giving in to the “bad” places the responsibility for the day on the environment and takes it away from us and our choices. To do that is to become a passive recipient in life.

When we take on the role of the passive recipient, the situation dictates our mood. Subsequently, we may be more prone to recognize and retain only the negative information consistent with our “having a bad day” viewpoint. Although it is admirable to be able to go with the flow, it is equally important not to let the flow take over our lives. We must challenge the idea that this is all life has to offer. We have to challenge the notion that the stressors or frustrations are the only things that life has in store for us.

We Have Choices

To be mindful or aware of our choices every day, unconditionally, and despite what life or the environment is putting out, is an opportunity to be an active participant in life. That is, life is not just something that happens to us. Life instead can be something that we can influence and shape to meet our needs and achieve our goals. There are limits to the things we can control, but we always have a choice.

Being an active participant starts with identifying our choices. Secondly, it requires we actively accept our choices, thoughts, and behaviors. The concepts of unconditional self-acceptance, “others acceptance,” and life acceptance are not passive roles.

Unfortunately, sometimes people perceive accepting to mean “allowing” or “ignoring” frustrating stimuli or situations, which would be passive, not active. This is where it becomes our responsibility to be an active participant in accepting life, others, and self. Moreover, it is our responsibility to actively seek pleasant, desirable, and enjoyable aspects of life, despite what stressors or stimuli life gives us on a particular day.

We can passively receive the frustrations of everyday life:

• commuting to work
• working
• not working
• dealing with others
• not getting to be with others
• not being appreciated or valued
• being treated unfairly

Or we can make a choice to

• see the beauty in our natural environment,
• look for the comedy or silliness of everyday life,
• recognize people helping others,
• get the opportunity to miss others,
• get the opportunity to learn how to deal with others
• find opportunities to grow, and
• overcome the daily challenges or frustrations in life.

Active participant, or passive recipient. Which will you choose?

Photo by jim jackson on Pexels.com

{3:30 minutes to read} Most people who participate in psychotherapy are seeking support because they have some insight into their behavior, and recognize on some level the dysfunction and disturbances in their lives.

However, when they first begin psychotherapy, many people, despite an awareness of the disturbance, often ask themselves the wrong questions by focusing on the “Why?”

• Why did this happen to me?
• Why do I feel anxious?
• Why can’t I be happy?
• Why do I act this way?

Although, wondering “why?” can be a very normal and understandable reaction to difficult circumstances, it often can reinforce maladaptive and self-defeating thoughts. Asking “why,” seemingly makes the challenge or problematic behavior sound like it is because there is something inherently wrong with the individual (ex. I can’t be happy because there is something wrong with me).  However, thinking those who participate in psychotherapy are there simply because of character flaws, is, well, flawed.

Conversely, people who participate in psychotherapy are often seeking ways to enhance their lives and improve their mental health and wellness.  Needing to know “why” can divert attention from the issue at hand and may be unanswerable, anyway.  It is much more productive to ask “Who, What, Where, When, and How” questions.  For example, if someone is dealing with a particular stressor, it is most beneficial to identify the factors that may be contributing to the stress:

• Where was I during the anxiety attack?
• When did my frustration start?
• Who was I thinking about when I was angry?
• What was I doing when I was frustrated?
• How did I respond once I was upset?

By identifying and answering these questions, you can develop more insight into your behavior and enhance your mindfulness surrounding a specific challenge or stressor.

• I tend to be anxious in large crowds;
• I am hurt when I think about my ex-wife; or,
• I grind my teeth or pace back and forth when I’m angry.

Once we have a more detailed understanding and awareness of our maladaptive behaviors and thoughts, we can then start to cognitively reframe, or challenge the way we think about things, and develop a healthier plan for the future:

• Who could I go to for support?
• What is the benefit of this behavior?
• Where could I go when I feel upset?
• When does my anxiety start to decrease?
• How could I have responded more adaptively?

These types of questions are much more helpful in creating and implementing a plan for more adaptive behaviors.  Moreover, as you identify alternative ways of responding to stressors and develop an adaptive plan, you can better prepare for any future challenges. The emphasis becomes less on “why” the problem exists, and more on effectively finding ways to resolve it.

When faced with a stressor in your life, what questions do you ask ?