Who, What, Where, When and How?

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{3:30 minutes to read} Most people who participate in psychotherapy are seeking support because they have some insight into their behavior, and recognize on some level the dysfunction and disturbances in their lives.

However, when they first begin psychotherapy, many people, despite an awareness of the disturbance, often ask themselves the wrong questions by focusing on the “Why?”

• Why did this happen to me?
• Why do I feel anxious?
• Why can’t I be happy?
• Why do I act this way?

Although, wondering “why?” can be a very normal and understandable reaction to difficult circumstances, it often can reinforce maladaptive and self-defeating thoughts. Asking “why,” seemingly makes the challenge or problematic behavior sound like it is because there is something inherently wrong with the individual (ex. I can’t be happy because there is something wrong with me).  However, thinking those who participate in psychotherapy are there simply because of character flaws, is, well, flawed.

Conversely, people who participate in psychotherapy are often seeking ways to enhance their lives and improve their mental health and wellness.  Needing to know “why” can divert attention from the issue at hand and may be unanswerable, anyway.  It is much more productive to ask “Who, What, Where, When, and How” questions.  For example, if someone is dealing with a particular stressor, it is most beneficial to identify the factors that may be contributing to the stress:

• Where was I during the anxiety attack?
• When did my frustration start?
• Who was I thinking about when I was angry?
• What was I doing when I was frustrated?
• How did I respond once I was upset?

By identifying and answering these questions, you can develop more insight into your behavior and enhance your mindfulness surrounding a specific challenge or stressor.

• I tend to be anxious in large crowds;
• I am hurt when I think about my ex-wife; or,
• I grind my teeth or pace back and forth when I’m angry.

Once we have a more detailed understanding and awareness of our maladaptive behaviors and thoughts, we can then start to cognitively reframe, or challenge the way we think about things, and develop a healthier plan for the future:

• Who could I go to for support?
• What is the benefit of this behavior?
• Where could I go when I feel upset?
• When does my anxiety start to decrease?
• How could I have responded more adaptively?

These types of questions are much more helpful in creating and implementing a plan for more adaptive behaviors.  Moreover, as you identify alternative ways of responding to stressors and develop an adaptive plan, you can better prepare for any future challenges. The emphasis becomes less on “why” the problem exists, and more on effectively finding ways to resolve it.

When faced with a stressor in your life, what questions do you ask ?